My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
