Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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