I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
