Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
