i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
