Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
