never play flip cup with pint glasses
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
