if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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