Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
