How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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