Acid is not a monday night drug
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
