I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
