next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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