I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
