the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Im part way to drunk.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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