Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
