how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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