even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
