I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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