She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
