just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
