Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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