i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
