When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
