I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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