I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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