I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
