i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
