I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
