My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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