I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
