Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
