When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
