I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
