i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
