Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
