Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize