just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
