I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Verdict: uncircumcised.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
