Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
