You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
