what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
