This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
