my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
