Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
