2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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