U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
