I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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