I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
