I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
