i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
