Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
