I could make wine with my vomit
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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