Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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