So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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