It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
